So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
