When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
