Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
