If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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