Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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