My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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