New invention idea: vibrating tampons
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
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