Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
