i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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