im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
