Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
God, you're like boner-b-gone
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
