Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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