I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
