Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
