I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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