Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
