Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
We are two peas in an std pod
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
