he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
