I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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