Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
