i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
