Well douche your snatch and let's go!
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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