I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Randomize
