I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize