I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
