i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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