my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
