I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize