im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
