your parents love me but you hate me
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
