I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
