He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
