Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
