dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
