my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
