I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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