I think I won the penis lottery.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
