I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
they're like a gay fantastic four
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Randomize
