I can feel you judging me through the phone.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
