toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Enjoy the penises
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
