Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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