yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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