Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
