Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
