he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
