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It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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