I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
