yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize