My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You may now shotgun with the bride
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
