It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
