Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
