Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
