After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Randomize
