I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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