Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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