U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Randomize
