im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
