Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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