I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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