i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
