According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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